Never mind the homework, here's the Vegan Teacher

Today was awesome. I subbed at a fairly large Jr. High in Science, Socials, Outdoor Ed. and Math class. The school was in a neighborhood about 40 minutes from my house, so I was out the door by 7:30. The school was very modern, with smartboards in almost every classroom. The layout of the school was more like that of a college than a jr. high which was cool too. Anyways, easy day. Mostly just kept kids on track with their assignments from the previous day. In fact, until the second last period, the day was a total breeze.

That period was reserved for the learning strategies class, ie. student who have behavioral issues and such. Right off the get go I had to do my best to stop myself from cracking up every five minutes. If it wasn’t me constantly trying to wrangle a kids pencil led from his friend, the cleptomaniac, it was playing tetris with kids in desks while I tried to find a seating arrangement that worked best. Of course none really did. One student asked me if I had a Lamborghini. Another kept telling me about how the girl beside him couldn’t stop farting, on him. “She does this every time!”, he claimed. Another kid was trying to trick me into believing that he had finished his work, and when I told him I didn’t believe him because of the smirk on his face, his neighbor informed me that he also liked smurfs. At one point I told the class to quiet down because they were louder than a funny farm, then a student yelled out “my grandpa is in the funny farm!”. A total gongshow and these guys pretty much made my week.

During my last class, I observed a student teacher give his first math lesson. He did alright, but he was tense and the students were picking up on it and consequently yanking at his chain. He told the class that should they not understand where he was at in regards to solving an equation, that they tell him that they were not on the bus. A kid then asked if he could get off the bus and have his money back.

It was a great day, even though two girls thought I was 42.

I didn’t get called in today. Instead, I finished transcribing my journal entries from this summer for the book. It’s at 80 pages so far, but I still need to edit down some of the fluff. I ended up getting a cell too. While trying to place a call, I’m fairly certain I resemble the ape that found the bone in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Two more things. How funny are those pirates that seem to be making the news on a daily basis? Maybe not so much what they’re actually up to, but more the media’s employment of the term. Arrr. Also, I just learned what a turducken is. How gross.

Jr. High Science tomorrow. Many episodes of the Simpsons tonight.

I’ve had a busy past few days. I convocated on Thursday, the ceremony was actually pretty good and I received a funny graduation gift from my pops. The story goes that when I was 4 years old, he took me to see my first movie: Ghostbusters. Though currently it’s my all-time favorite, back them the ghost in the basement of the library scared the pants off of me. I couldn’t take it so we left to check out Back to the Future. 13 years later I find myself with a signed photo of Marty McFly doing a killer impression of Angus Young.

Saturday, I went to a Bruce Springsteen themed potluck. The food (mostly vegan) was based on American classics and included lots of fries, root beer floats, burgers and hamburger helper. We listened to the Boss for about 6 hours, attempted to sing some karaoke and everyone had a photograph taken of their butt in front of an American flag a la Born in the USA. The evidence is below. Props to the roomie for her photoshop-slaying skills.

Today I subbed a high school Social Studies class. The school was huge, probably has a student population of a few thousand. More high school students then I’d ever seen in once place I think. We watched a movie about the bombing of Hiroshima and I attempted to engage students in a dialogue about the effects of propaganda when it comes to drumming up support for war. A few of them were into it. Most of them just wanted to leave I think. I took away an ipod and had to remind this one corner countless times to quiet down. At one point they even decided to have a game of slaps during the movie.

Afterwords, I met the teacher I subbed for who told me about the behavoiral disorders a couple of the kids have and that it’s pretty much “just the way she goes” with those guys. Sometimes it’s hard to tease this apart from kids actively trying to get your goat. When you don’t know them, it’s easy to assume the second.

One of the student stayed a bit longer and we briefly chatted about the use of war over diplomacy to get what you want. That was nice. I wish we could’ve spoken longer.

M.Ed update: I recieved a letter of rejection which was based on being 0.1 point below the required GPA. I’m appealing because for some reason, they only took 45 of my 63 after-degree credits into consideration. I’m also a peeling a banana for a smoothie. It’s cold out there and I could see my breath if it wasn’t so windy…

At 8:23 this morning I got called in to my first job. It didn’t leave me with much time to get ready, but I was there by the second class. Today I was a Jr. High gym teacher in an all-girls gym class. The rad thing was that I didn’t have to teach gym because they were health blocks this week. So instead, the students worked on some nutrition pamphlets and in the afternoon, they watched Super Size Me. The classes were pretty well behaved, for the most part. The last class was full of chatterboxes and they were doing the whole I’m-going-to-get-the-sub’s-goat thing. The boys gym teacher came in at one point and showed me how to “put the hammer” down. The kids called him scary after he left. During the movie, the girls let out many loud ewww’s during the gastric bypass operation. Over half of them were “grossed out” and “never eating McDonalds again”.

I met a couple of the student teachers during lunch. They were nice and really nervous about having to teach their first class. The girl asked if I ever catch flak for my tattoo, I told her that it’s never been an issue. Then I ate cold pasta because I couldn’t find a microwave.

This afternoon I learned a lesson about drinking coffee before work and having to go to the can during class. It SUCKED, especially because I didn’t know where to find the staff bathroom. Picture me in my tie, sweating, hurrying down the hallways… “gotta go gotta go gotta go”, etc. By the time I got back, my students were nearly hanging from the rafters. I will have to use my breaks more wisely tomorrow.

This is a good one. First off, I was right. I needed to include more subjects in my online sub profile. Now there’s no shortage of work for me. Radical. Anyways, last night I sign up to work Monday at a school close to may place which starts at noon. At 6 this morning, I get a call and the call out machine wants me to work all day at another school. I decline, I’m already working today. I get another call an hour or two later, same deal. This is weird, why are they calling me when I’m already signed up to work? I check online to check on the work I signed up for. What do you know, I misread the date. That particular job is for next monday. So I sit and wait patiently by the phone to ring again for more work. But I stink, so I go have a shower. When I return to my room, I see that I’ve been called again. I call back, but the machine has already moved onto the next sub. I check online. There’s another job! Glee! But I cant sign up for it because it’s listed as “in the call out”. So I wait for the machine to work it’s way back to me again. I wait and I wait. I check the website again. I call them but some how, while I’m checking my account on the phone, they’ve managed to call me at the same time. I hang up. The phone gives one ring, I pick up. It’s the computer leaving a message on my machine again. Bah! “Eff this”, I says, “I’m working tomorrow anyways”. So I go to get my hair cut. Upon return, of course I see they called again. This is borderline ridiculous, but also humorous to me. After a week of sitting around not getting anything, I’m all of a sudden flooded with work that I’m unable to sign up for. So I’m not going to post again on this thing until I’ve actually worked a day in a school. Blogging about not working is dumb and pointless. However, I will note that someone stumbled upon my blog after googling “does a homework finishing machine exist?”.

I’ve got this thing on the lockdown. Tomorrow (Monday) will be my first official day subbing in a high school Social Studies class.

Weekend was alright, making chickpea cutlets out of the Veganomicon for dinner.

Last night, Darth Vader came to me in my sleep and told me that if I didn’t add a few more classes to my sub roster, he’d melt my brain. So this morning I signed up for English/Language Arts, Math and Elementary grades 4-6.

I’ve recently made contact with a teacher who was highly influential on me during my high school years. Not only did he help me through calculus (which resulted in one of my highest grades), but one time I had a math final at the same time Pearl Jam tickets went on sale for a show in Vancouver (their first in 5 years). But I was super bummed because I knew they would sell out quickly and there was nothing I could do while I wrote. Anyways, ol’ J. actually spent the morning periodically trying to get through to ticketmaster while I wrote the exam. At one point, about an hour and a half through, I received the good news: two tickets. Tight. I graduated shortly after and didn’t see him much after that. Maybe I ran into him at a pub once or twice, (which I remember being weird because he asked me to call him by his first name) but ten years went by without a word of his whereabouts.

Well, turns out he’s still in it and doing very well in as one of the higher ups. When we connected the other day, he told me to make sure I don’t act too big for my britches because it’s a long road to my first temporary contract. This helped ground me a little bit and helped me decide to not sweat the waiting game. After all, if there’s anything you’d think I’d be used to now, it’s waiting. Of course his other words of wisdom were to not forget to drink lots because it helps numb the pain. I figure the two should probably not be mixed.

I was up from 6-7 this morning anticipating being called, but was not. The lady at the main office said it was a pretty slow week, and thankfully I have my other part time jobs to fall back on. This whole thing has put me in this funny/irritating state of mind where; every night I go to bed anxious about the next morning being my first day as a teacher. (Proper use of a semicolon?)

Anyways, since a week has passed and I still haven’t had my first official day at school, my brain has started overriding any physical anxiety and I’ve gone from thinking “jeeze, I can’t sleep. I’m so nervous about tomorrow!”, to “Christ on a bike, I’m too tired for this. They’d better call in the morning so I can get this over with already!”.

I think a lot of my anxiety has stemmed from doubting my ability to control a class that isn’t “mine”. When you have regular students, they are easily manageable if you care to learn the different strategies that need to be used on each individual. But when you sub, you either have to portray yourself as a disciplinarian (which I’m not. See: my cats), or have tricks up your sleeve to make you seem interesting enough for their attention and obedience. Deep down, I don’t really care what the kids could think of me so I don’t really know why this makes me nervous. In any other job situation, when things are super busy and people are stressed, I’m very good at keeping my cool. Maybe it has something to do with being in an unfamiliar setting. Probably has to do with not having any relationships formed with other staff members upon arrival. Really, I think most of it has to do with being so invested in it. After all, this has been a few years in the making and thousands of dollars later, I can’t help but keep thinking “don’t mess this up”. It’s alright though, because my other mantra (W.W.H.R.D.?) balances this off fairly well.

A couple of my friends who have started subbing have basically told me to just jump right in because it’s a pretty easy gig, and to not worry about kids if they do something stupid. We will see I guess, in the next episode called Answer the Telephone. (You got that one if you’re into David Cross)

In the meantime, I’m getting all kinds of things accomplished at home that I haven’t had time to address. These include finishing books, sorting photos, cleaning up and editing my book. So maybe this is the universe’s way of giving me a breather.

Also, I have rediscovered the Tragically Hip.

Well my friends, this week I think I learned a lesson. Two, actually.

The first: if this is going to work, I’m going to have to stop being a Luddite (in the classic sense) and start answering my phone. I missed a call this morning on account of not recognizing the number and it turned out to be a call for work. Thing is, since the call is completely automated, there is no chance for one to call back to accept the job. Miss the call, and the machine dials the next qualified sub.

Second part about this whole thing (and this is the worst, for me at least): I enjoy only having one phone in my house. It’s a land line in my room and the ringer has always been set on low. This is my idea of communication. I do not like to be bothered by answering a telephone if I’m eating or reading the paper as I have always held onto the belief that the least amount of distractions, the better. It’s a good philosophy, anyone would admit. As North Americans, we are bombarded by hundreds if not thousands of messages a day vying for our attention and dollars. But how can one attain the greatest amount of pleasure from a meal this way? Or really be engaged in a worthwhile conversation? My roommate and I have what we call our Bonding Time, which is basically us and our laptops. While we mess around on the googles, checking emails or our facebook accounts, we try to talk. Responses are usually delayed and I’m sure we make chimps look like toastmasters. But while it’s amusing, this is one of the reasons I try to resist technology. When it comes down to it, I think the only distraction I’m really capable of dealing with is the bad cat getting into my food, and even then I don’t always have much success.

Anyways, apparently I live in a fantasy land. For years, friends have always tried to get my goat with a “wow, you actually answered your phone?”, or leaving messages about how I’m probably home and just being lazy. I eventually found myself embracing this by changing my answering machine so that the message included the fact, that “I’m probably home, but am busy or can’t be bothered to answer the phone”. Truth is, my callback time has been reduced, and if I’m home, people can expect a turnaround in 5-10 minutes. But again, this does not jive with my chosen profession. Neither does having a sessile land line.

So, in order to render a solution to this problem, I know what needs to be done. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to start answering the phone when I don’t want to. Secondly, as much as I hate making myself available at all times, I think I have to get a cell phone. Ugh. Hopefully I can find one that didn’t help fuel a civil war in the congo. Oh, and thirdly, my nights of Empressing it up on the weekdays are over for the season.

Alright, Day 1 of my new job. I got up at 6 to check out where I was needed and it turned out that I wasn’t. That’s all right, I have a ton of stuff to get done today anyways. One of which is dropping off my application for benefits! I was surprised when I got the package in the mail the other day, I was under the impression that subs weren’t eligible. Turns out, I’m going to have full medical, mostly dental, chiropractic, acupuncture and massage therapy. Between that and my new bed (which I’ve decided I can pretty much live in), these are good days for my back!

The election was pretty exciting the other night too. Gotta admit, I was fairly stunned when they called the Obama victory at 9:00. Looking forward to North America finally making some progress addressing various environmental and social woes. The majority of people on the planet seem to be banking on it. Some pressure on that dude, hola. I was, however, surprised by all of the propositions that were voted in to ban gay marriage. I thought people were getting through having their panties all bunched up over whether two dudes or two girls wanted to tie the proverbial knot. Though, animal rights made a small gain in California when a proposition was passed to help ensure laying hens are provided with cages large enough for them to turn around in. Ummmm… yeah. It blows my mind that this is not AT LEAST all ready a given in the animal industry.

My days are growing increasingly busier. First off, the exciting news. Last week, I got a call from the Public informing me to be at their building at 10am on Saturday. This was great, but I also had the AD/DC show to play Friday night. Simply put, the show was the bees knees. A note on playing covers; it’s hella fun. You have nothing to prove and the audience is inherently stoked because they already know the jams. On this note, I think that music as a form of communication can really serve to facilitate a celebration of life. Rollins has always said that people could probably move beyond their petty differences if they could just acknowledge that the Ramones rule, and that it’s way more fun to dance than fight. Anyways, we headline and the place was way sold out.

At 4:30 in the morning, I remembered I had to be up at 9. So I went home, fumbled around with my alarm and caught a few quick Z’s. Hours later, I dragged my carcass (which at that point I’m sure reeked like a wine barrel) down there, to find out that I was signing the papers in order to start subbing this week. I think my first kick at it will be on Thursday and I’m a bit nervous, but also way excited. In anticipation of my first real paycheque, I went out and bought myself a real mattress to replace the slice of bread I’ve been sleeping on for the past 8 years.

My Master’s application was also miraculously submitted with 26 minutes to spare. A friend of mine claims that grad school is simply more training for managing deadlines last minute, so I was glad to know that I started on the right foot.

Lastly, I can’t help but be very excited for our friends to the South today. Should things pan out, there will be a monumental step taken with regards to one of the most important movements in human history. At least on this continent. I know a lot of people have been coming down on the fact that the Democrats are not all that great, being that they were responsible for NAFTA, the WTO etc., and that Nader is the true alternative. While I agree, when you look at how far civil rights have come and how there is a possibility that tomorrow the USA may have their first black president, I think it’s the symbolism that is truly important.

It seems to me that this election is not only about policy, but moving forward upstairs. I just heard an interesting piece of information. According to polls, the vast majority of people in my province (which consistently votes conservative) are in support of Obama. It’s was reassuring to hear that people are still very concerned about health care and education. Following his campaign over the last few months has been a breath of fresh air after watching G.W. Bush invent new words for 1/3 of my life. It has been fascinating to see how motivated our American brothers and sisters are as a result.

Fingers crossed.