Similarities in dealing with 10 year old boys and drunk Dude Bros.
(Dude Bro is an American colloquialism, in Western Canada synonyms include Bro or Kokanee Brah as in “Pass me another Kokanee, brah!”)
1. Say a bro does not respond to your request for him to leave a certain area, a patio for example, apply to him the broken record technique. I picked this one up in a 3rd year Education class. Simply repeat your request over and over again without giving the bro a chance to argue. When used properly, the exchange should go as follows:
You – “Alright, the patio is closing, you’ve got to leave”.
Bro – “Ok, just let me finish this beer/Kokanee”.
You – “Sorry guy, the patio is closing. You’ve got to leave”.
Bro – “Aw common man, just five more minutes?”
You – “Dude. The patio is closing. You’ve got to leave”.
If implemented correctly, the Broken Record technique helps deal with persistent bros, as well as children who need to either move or are being argumentative.
2. Anytime a bro has a Jagerbomb (a shot of Jagermeister dropped into a glass of Red Bull), the potential for aggressiveness is elevated. After 6 or 7 Jagerbombs, a bro may seek out action in the form of a physical conflict with either an unassuming patron/citizen or another bro. If the jacked up bro finds another jacked up bro, have no fear. They will sort things out themselves (fistycuffs), which results in them leaving to go find more Jagerbombs. However, if you happen to win the intentional shoulder lottery at a pub, or find yourself on the receiving end of accusations from an agressive bro, just employ something I like to call Feeding the Ego. This failsafe method will assure your safety and, if implemented properly, might actually see the bro off in a good mood and less likely to look for another confrontation. Here’s an excerpt from a back and fourth I had with a bro from St. Louis who was waiting for a friend of mine outside a venue after a show. To set it up, the bro spent half the set hip-checking my friend until he was told to knock it off.
Bro – “So is your buddy going to make something of himself, now that we’re outside of (venue X)?”
Me – “What do you mean?”
Bro – “He had a problem with the way I dance, and I’ve got a problem with that”
(note: this phrase is commonly used when a bro is looking for a conflict and should be recognized as the point in which FTE can best be employed)
Me – “Alright look, you’re a big guy. My friend, he’s very small. It’s pretty obvious that you could take him if you wanted to (implying strength). I know it, you know it (intelligence). Besides, did you come here to fight? Or to check out some rad bands (music sensibilities) and babes (charm/looks)?”
Bro – “Yeah, you’re right. I’m gonna go find some chicks!”
I use this tactic when trying to resolve fights between boys in grades 4-8 and I’ve always had positive results.
I’ve got about 9 hours then I’ll be en route to Amsterdam. The last few days have been spent writing this paper, taking in as much ocean as possible and searching for food that I might not have the opportunity to eat again for a long time. The other day I came across a vendor of vegan cuisine. Soy cream amongst many other tasty treats were advertised and I became incredibly excited. Oh but to my surprise, it is only open during the september-may months. However, I just picked up this guide to Amsterdam and there’s a whole section on veg cafes. I have about 50 Euros that I plan on spending on food there. Even though I’ve been eating fairly well, I always feel hungry. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t been getting enough protein or what, but I’m eagerly anticipating some serious veg food. There really isn’t a lot to be found down here. It’s understandable, I guess eating meat is a sign of wealth down here and people aspire to live as glamorously as they do in the West, but the context is different. Instead of driving Hummers, it’s eating meat.
Anyways, last night all the Canadians got together in the hostel to play some cards. A girl had an ipod with a bunch of classic Canadiana/Dad Rock/90’s junk on it and we ended up with a soundtrack including the first two Our Lady Peace albums, a bunch of Tragically Hip and oh god, what else was there? It was pretty ridiculous, I think a Silverchair album made it on as well as Chris de Berge (which was funny because Lady In Red was in my head for days after enduring it cranked in a cab ride).
Was in Osu again the other day and the vendors were trying to get me to buy their crap, as usual. Bracelets with my name on it, hideous necklaces and other super cheesy, touristy junk. There was one dude who was selling sweet shirts for super cheap so I held one up to my face to size it up as a possible gilt. It smelled like it had been sitting next to an open sewer for days. Sick.
“No way, I don’t want this”.
“How much will you pay for this?”.
“Nothing, it smells like a sewer”.
“I’ll give it to you for five cedis”.
“No it’s gross, I don’t want it”.
“Four cedis”.
“Forget it”.
“Three cedis”.
This carried on until I told him I didn’t want the shitty smelling shirt and continued down the block for a few more similar encounters. When I got here, I was totally polite to these guys who are pretty funny and totally mean well. But they have to do business so they can be really pushy. I’ve gone from entertaining them with my name and where I’m from (their intro to make friends with you so you’re less likely to turn them down when they offer you a “gift” in exchange for “a donation from the heart”), to an almost instantaneous response of “no thanks, I don’t want your crap”. These exchanges and haggling have become some of my favorite things to when I need some entertainment.
Well, it’s been a month and I still hate the shower. I had my last one this morning, mouthing it off one last time before and after stepping under it’s freezing cold drizzle. I been using way less water these days though. Everyone has. You know why, I don’t need to go into it. That being said, I also went to a pool with a swim up bar the other day, so it’s not like I’m trying cop some kind of holier than thou attitude. I’ve just curtailed my excessive use of resources.
We said our goodbyes to Richard and Issac, the two Ghanaian students we’ve been working with the past four weeks. They were so awesome and have been invaluable to this whole experience. That being said, our goodbyes were very sad since it’s unlikely we’ll ever see them again. They teach in Apemanim and while they dream about coming to Canada, they make about $150/mo. and a Visa cost them each about $35K.
I just booked a different hostel in Amsterdam after deciding that the person I was originally planning on sharing the room with drives me completely nuts. A nice person, don’t get me wrong. But after spending a month in relatively close quarters, I need to get away. So I’ll be more or less alone in Amsterdam for a couple days, which should be an adventure.
I’ve got about an hour left of time on this computer and I’ve got to finish this paper. Final thought from a sweaty internet cafe in Africa: everyday in this country has completely blown my mind and while the grass is no greener here than in Canada (or any other place I’ve been for that matter), the soil is red. And that’s kind of neat. Also, the new Nick Cave album is really, really great.
Filed under: Funny
I’m under those pounds of fur somewhere, trying to study for my final tomorrow.
Also, I got an A on my Ethics paper. Does that make me ethical?
Ask me about the off duty fiduciary responsibilities of a teacher sometime and after a short giggle, I will tell you about me acting all in loco parentis. Sounds pretty smart eh? Yeah right, but for the next ten days I am all about the legalese in my ethics class.
So I think some of the responses I’ve been getting (regarding my search for a new roommate) are kind of funny:
“I’m 23, very quiete and clean as well. I’m not vegetarian but i like to cook and very open minded on everythings
you can reach me at (phone number).
You can call me even if it’s negative.”
“Hi!!!
I am a young professional looking for a nice, quiet, and clean place to live. Due also to my previous experiences I do not tolerate drugs, smoking, or parties or any other form of erratic or/and stupid behavior. I am financially stable- so there is no doubt that I can pay my rent- and I am looking forward to hear from you if the aforementioned conditions are met.
Thanks!!!”
Filed under: Funny
Check this one out!
Apparently Canada Student Loans decided to make me the butt of an April Fools joke.
(After I appealed my original loan, they determined this amount would last me until summer)
I woke up this morning feeling like a million bucks. I have no idea why. Maybe I got the perfect amount of sleep, maybe my nutrient levels are well balanced, maybe it has something to do with spring break arriving in two days… regardless, my mood did not change throughout the day. In fact, I had the best time at school in the past 5 weeks. Oh yeah, check this out. Today was the half-way mark AND I just found out that I got an A in my class. That means that I will be graduating with an A-, I believe. Or a B+. Either way, I have never had higher grades, in 20 years of education. So I’m stoked.
I let the 30’s study for their unit test tomorrow. There was a teachable moment in class when one of them asked me how governments control the information citizens are exposed to. I told them about how in some American schools, teachers are only allowed to talk about abstenence as a form of birth control. They responded with “well no wonder pregnancy and STI rates are so high in the States!”.
One of the girls in that class is having some major motivational issues. She’s putting in next to no effort and I’m struggling to get her remotely interested in the class. We’ll see how she does on the Unit test tomorrow, I figure that will determine my next course of action.
So check this out, right after spending a class talking about reproduction, I head on over to give my first lesson to the 10’s. Not 5 minutes into the class, I’m describing how before microscopes people believed in the spontaneous generation of lifeforms and I say something to the effect of “so 400 years ago, you have all these people thinking that orgasms appear out of nowhere!”. The class starts howling and I am satisfied with my introduction.
It went well though, I really let ‘er rip.At this point I am getting comfortable with the fact that making a fool out of myself in front of them is probably the best course of action. Pretending I know it all at this point is futile. They see through it. I think the appreciate it a lot more when I approach the class not so seriously.
The heat is on. I am not coasting into spring break but rather, I’ll be working my little vegan butt off for it. Tomorrow I begin taking on 100% of the workload. I’m excited, but also a little anxious as I don’t want to choke in front of the 10’s on my first day. It’s a pattern though and I recognize it. I worry about it, but it never really goes that bad. In fact, I once had a mentor teacher say that it’s good to be a little nervous about your lesson because that means you care.
Today I got the 12’s to put together pamphlets on specific methods of birth control. It led to some interesting conversations. The student who’s always coming up with interesting questions for me asked me what the evolutionary advantage was to being able to freeze male gametes (or sperm). I didn’t really know, but regaled him with a story about the frogs that can survive winter by freezing. He tells me he knows this, but that as far as he knew, humans produced no glycerol and there’s no sense in having sperm that can freeze if a human dies of exposure. I tell him he is incredibly observant and that I would “look into it”.
Another girl asked me if there was a scientific term for intercourse. I say “how about coitus?”. She says, “interesting. So what, can you make coitus?”. I say, “it depends on if you have the right ingredients, I suppose”. She presses, “seriously, what, do you do coitus? Do you have coitus?”. I try to keep myself from cracking up (and fail miserably), then my mentor teacher and I agreed that one must indeed have the coitus.
I found out that Iron Maiden is coming to my town this summer. Who’s stoked? Me, that’s who. Say what you will, Steve Harris is a fantastic bassist and the falsetto on Aces High is one of the best in recorded history.
An excerpt of a conversation between me and a kid who is apparently interested in my love-life:
Kid – “Are you married?”
Me – “No”.
Kid – “Do you have a girlfriend?”
Me – “Nope”.
Kid – “Wow, you’re a loser!”
This after I spent 40 minutes trying to teach his stinky, lippy, post-suspensioned monkey-ass how to curl.
I also spent some more time with the same troubled kid from yesterday who, as soon as he saw me arrive at the rink, practically begged me to work with him on his shots again. Ok, this completely blew my mind. It gets better, he’s actually improving and was giving other kids tips. Well done kid, consider my head exploded. At least until tomorrow I’m sure…
I had the Bio students research STD’s (or, STI’s rather) in class today. Tomorrow they will be presenting their findings in front of my UF. I’m looking forward to it. I’m starting to realize how capable they are, how they only seem to do as much as you expect them to and otherwise know how little effort to expend to make it through. Well, some of them anyways. There are a few who are totally clued in and I’m excited for their adult lives, they’re going to be movers and shakers I’m sure.
Chased a couple kids down today to complete their labs. Tried to explain to them how easy it is to get extra marks and that they only had lousy assignment grades because they were being lazy. I wish someone had the same conversation with me in Chemistry 12.
Read the Lorax with my coffee this morning. What a fantastic book. It made me want to get a tattoo of the Lorax. That would be awesomely nerdy I think. I especially like the line in that book that says “unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it’s not!”. Oh Dr. Seuss, you were awesome but wait, no, I don’t think I’ll get a tattoo of the Lorax now that I think about it. Cartoon characters make AWFUL tattoos.
Oh yeah! I also forgot to mention that the nearsighted kid from yesterday rocked another triple take-out at the curling rink! He claims it is because of the”weed” he eats before we play. Weed of course referring to these little seaweed strips he fills his pockets with before he leaves home in the morning. He gave me a few and at 9 o’clock this morning, after 3 cups of coffee, I decided that seaweed is not my favorite thing to eat.
One of the neat things about my living situation is that there is another room on my floor, rented out for other guests to stay in. This weekend an awesome couple were in town and last night we sat around the living room last night sharing stories. Turns out one of them (D.) lived in Kenya for the first 18 years of his life and his partner is a prof at my university who’s actually writing a book on sexuality in Africa (with a focus on the queer community). Very interesting stuff! I had my mind blown several times during our conversation as they told me stories that I would have never heard otherwise.
D has been back 8 times in the past 4 years and does work with a non-profit that tries to find disabled Kenyans work. It’s hard enough to be a resident there where the rate of unemployment is extremely high and the term minimum wage has no tangible meaning. But the people are very industrious and I saw some photos of things people were selling to get by that were literally made from garbage. One woman made shopping bags from wire and bottle caps. Another man’s job was going door to door in the slums offering his knife-sharpening service. The contraption he used to sharpen knives he made himself from various waste materials. The whole time I was being regaled with these stories, I couldn’t help but think about how much material we throw out that is usable.
Another thing they told me about was the water, and how it was usually undrinkable and black in colour. The lady, C., had a woman with “freshly” washed hands touch a cob of corn she bought and told me that the resulting effect was her first experience with projectile vomit.
It sounds like the vegan thing is going to be my biggest challenge while I’m there. While legumes and fruits are widely available, there isn’t much of an animal rights movement in a land where people struggle to get by on a daily basis. They told me that while I will probably be able to find food to eat, but the slaughterhouses there have glasswindows (unlike they do here) and people treat animals fairly poorly.
Lastly, they provided me with all kinds of tips on critical vaccinations and what to do to prevent pickpocketing and such. They were very clear that while things happen, I should be looking forward to the experience this summer as Africa is an amazing place. And I am. As well, they said my experience in Ghana will likely differ from theirs in Kenya. Don’t worry Mom, I’m going to have access to clean water.
Today I woke up, found some excellent breakfast/coffee and spent the majority of my time at the school marking, putting together tests and tomorrow’s lesson plan. A couple of other teachers ended up coming around during the day and I got to know them a little better. One of them invited me out to the community dinner that goes down every Sunday night and is put on by various local groups. Also, it’s pay by donation. Score! I don’t know who put it on tonight, but I ate like a king and met a few more locals. It was totally fun.
When I came home I marinated some tempeh bacon for the morning and had had a chat with the 12 year old (S.) who lives here. The one who screened me my first night, you remember. Tonight I asked him about the music he listens to. Sure enough, his hockey warmup playlist consisted of some predictably bad stuff. Hey, I don’t care if he’s 12. Kids today are unfortunately exposed to some total crap, marketed by labels that know their bands are seriously lacking in content. SAs a result, they appeal to people who were never exposed to the Nirvanas, Elvis Costellos and Minor Threats. So I’m going to make him a mixtape. Get ‘em into the good stuff while they’re young.
Friday. 1 week down. 8 to go. I think I can do it. Today I gave a fairly extensive lecture on the ear. It was a lot of material, but I think some of it got through. I caught one kid drawing penises in his textbook (a la Superbad). I told him that he had until Monday to make them disappear or my mentor teacher would be notified.
Some other ridiculousness happened yesterday. En route to the staffroom, the hallway is full of smoke… Why? Some kids decided to see if microwaving a pencil would split it in two. The kids bolted but were ratted out and one of them spent this afternoon cleaning the microwave in detention.
Sat in on a Gr. 7 health class this morning and the teacher has scheduled the program around the development of a local baby. I think it’s 6 months old now or something. They put a carpet down, let it crawl around and observe it’s length and weight every week. It’s kinda neat, the kids are very interested and it gives them an opportunity to learn about reproduction and development in a tangible way. So today, the Mom was talking about how the baby was a result of in vitro fertilization. The teacher explained that the process involved the sperm fertilizing the egg outside of the body. This piqued an interest in the class and one kid goes, “how do they do it? Like, in a bag?”.
So now I’ve got the weekend off. I think I’m going to go riding tomorrow. It’s my birthday today. I am spending it in my new favorite cafe eating a bagel sandwich and some daal. I think I’m going to get a brownie too. Booked my flight to Africa. I’ve got a 3 day layover in Amsterdam. So that’s neat. Apparently there are some sweet museums to check out over there. I’d like to ride the rail somewhere while I’m there as well. It’s supposed to be way cheap.
I ran into an ex-classmate I haven’t seen since my 2nd year of University. It was nice to see a familiar face, but I’m getting along just fine being surrounded by all these new people. I’m supposed to go riding with the music teacher sometime soon. There are a couple others who have offered to share their corporate passes so as you can see, I’m pretty set up and taken care of.
Once a small-town kid, always a small-town kid I guess. It’s hard to describe it, but there is such a huge difference between being in a place like this and the city. I love the city and all. Actually, I really enjoy the city where I usually reside. But these small mountain towns are way laid back, which is more my style. No traffic, less insanity. People make eye contact with you on the street. I donno. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up teaching in one someday once I am through with all the things city life has to offer.
